Easy as Life
by xFreakx
Summary: Song-fic set to "Easy as Life" from the musical Aida. Buffy's POV on Angel's change to Angelus, and on her duty to the world and not her heart. Feedback would be greatly appreciated. :)


Title: Easy as Life  
  
Author: xFreakx (Amanda)  
  
Email: xfreakx@hotmail.com  
  
Rating: PG-13 for one bad word and some violence.  
  
Archive: Ask first.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy, Angel, or the plots, or the song Easy as Life from Aida, by Elton John. Random quotes from the Buffy-verse are not mine, either. They belong to the talented writers of Buffy, Joss Whedon, and Mutant Enemy... I think that about covers it.  
  
Feedback: Please, please review... tell me what you think.  
  
Length: 1,121 words  
  
********************  
  
This is the moment when the gods expect me  
To beg for help but I won't even try  
I want nothing in this world but myself to protect me  
But I won't lie down, roll over and die  
  
She stood stock still, like a deer caught in the headlights, working over the phrases that he'd said to her, in her head. Like I really wanted to stick around after that. It was almost as though he were two separate people - he hadn't acted like that at all the night before. You've got a lot to learn about men, kiddo. Gentle and cruel. It wasn't like him at all. Something was wrong, there had to be something wrong. Unless it was she, that was the problem?  
  
Was I not good? The words echoed in her head now. A continual barrage of the snide face and accusing eyes, almost enough to crumple her to her knees. The tears would come later, but at the moment there was only the cauterizing shock, the flaming sword brought down upon the stump of an amputated arm. You were great. I thought you were a pro. Was it possible for a person to change so much in one night? Not a person. He wasn't a person. She had to remember that.  
  
Love you too. I'll call you.  
  
The tears would come later, but now, the she did something that had happened so rarely since coming to this town.  
  
She ran.  
  
And somewhere, a pair of dark laughing eyes watched her, and crinkled in humor.   
  
All I have to do is to forget how much I love him  
All I have to do is put my longing to one side  
Tell myself that love's an ever-changing situation  
Passion would have cooled and all the magic would have died  
It's easy, it's easy  
  
Guilt, now, guilt and sorrow. In gaining she had lost - perhaps forever. Inside of the face that she knew so well was the demon, only the demon. Whatever had made her love him, that part had died. Maybe it had died years before, and he had only been pretending-- but there was no use in second-guessing, was there? That was what everyone told her.  
  
Things are about to get very interesting.  
  
Yeah, right.  
  
WAS IT GOOD FOR YOU TOO--  
  
It was so easy to keep from second-guessing? Let them try it. Let them stare into the face of someone who they'd loved, and someone who would kill you without a thought. No, that was wrong too. With a thought. He would take pleasure in it, now.  
  
All I have to do is to pretend I never knew him  
On those very rare occasions when he steals into my heart  
Better to have lost him when the ties were barely binding  
Better the contempt of the familiar cannot start  
It's easy, it's easy  
  
You can't do it. You can't kill me.  
  
Give me time.  
  
She had to remember. She had to remember that he was different. One day they would fight and there would be a choice between her life and his. Fuck, there'd be a choice between his life and someone -else's-. She had to be strong. She had to make the right decision. There was duty.  
  
Oh god, she was so confused.  
  
Until I think about him as he was when I last touched him  
And how he would have been were I to be with him today  
Those very rare occasions don't let up they keep on coming  
All I ever wanted and I'm throwing it away  
It's easy, it's easy as life  
  
Through the mental turmoil, through the pain, her life went on. Sometimes it seemed like she was moving through a syrup, the days going so slowly and her limbs so heavy and unable to lift. Sometimes it was an effort to wake up in the morning, and sometimes she was almost afraid to go out in the night because she was scared to see him. Scared of what she would do, or scared of what she wouldn't do.  
  
Shh... No more tears.  
  
His arms around her, enveloping. She remembered what it was like, clearly, and that merged in her mind with the last time, the fateful night, the night she wished sometimes that she could have stopped, and others she was shamefully glad that at least there had been that one time. Willow's goldfish. The feel of his skin beneath her hands.  
  
Forget. Forget.  
  
And though I'll think about him till the earth draws in around me  
And though I choose to leave him for another kind of love  
There is no denial, no betrayal but redemption  
Redeemed in my own eyes and in the pantheon above  
  
And then, strength. Although it hurt inside she was fighting. It filled her with pride, that she would be able to destroy him, while still loving him. Duty before self. Self after duty. The litany rang through her head with the clash of the swords, loud even in the chaos. How can she let him go, let him rain fire and destruction on the innocent people?  
  
Stop being selfish. Kill him. You have to.  
  
Take all that away, and what's left?  
  
Me.  
  
Finally, she thought, finally she was strong. She would be able to do this.  
  
Buffy? What's going on? Where are we? I don't remember.  
  
Don't trust it - don't trust him. Another lie, to make her back away. She was stone, she was steel, and she held the sword at the ready, prepared to make the final cut.  
  
Angel? No emotion. Please, god, don't make me do this now.  
  
You're hurt... Oh, Buffy. God...  
  
His arms around her. The muscles in her stomach fluttered strangely, nervousness or perhaps fear. Why would he do this, now? She accepted the gesture, prey caught in the predator's bright eyes. Dark eyes, shining through with tears and pain.  
  
I love you.  
  
I love you.  
  
The sword met resistance as she drove it into his flesh, it cut straight through him and out the other side. The tears stream down her face like blood, hot and salty and coppery. She knew what she had to do and she did it. Oh god. I'm a murderer. I killed him, the real Angel. She could see in his eyes the fear and pain and betrayal. She did that.  
  
Buffy. It closed and he was gone, but the memory of his face remained. It would always remain, seared on the insides of her eyelids. It wasn't hate, not even anger, just a terrible confusion.  
  
Oh yes, it's very easy to do what's right.  
  
As easy as life.  
  
It's easy  
It's easy as life  
It's easy as life  
It's easy as life 


End file.
